I never thought I would lose you so early in life. When I thought about my future you were always there. Not one day goes by when I don’t miss you. It’s over two years now and it still feels so strange. There are moments when I see something and immediatly think I am going to show you this later or tell you later. Then when I realize that I won’t be able to tell you this in person it hurts like hell. Day by day I am thinking what advice you may give me. Sometimes I think you are the little voice inside of me telling me that everything is going to be alright. It just doesn’t feel alright yet. When I am not at home during the week I imagine Mom sitting alone on the couch in the evenings. That is not how this is all supposed to be. When I come home my little brother is even taller than he was a week ago. Gosh there are so many things that you are missing and sometimes I could scream at the world why this had to happen. It’s just not fair. So many things we wanted to do and we never get the chance to do so. I miss you so much. I just want to run up to you and fall into your arms like I used to do. I want to hear your voice, your laughter. Sometimes I hope this is all just a dream. A very bad dream and I am going to wake up soon and everything will be fine. It will be two years back in time and nothing of this stupid shit will happen. We would live as a family, go on holidays together. You would be there on my 18th birthday with a packed suitcase in your hand for me like you used to promise and frighten me all the time. You would be there when I graduate, standing in the crowd when I finally finish school. You would be there on my brother’s confirmation. Your 50th birthday a year later then. I imagine us all in New York like you always dreamt of. On top of the Empire State Building celebrating. Your 20th wedding anniversary in summer. So many moments you missed. So many days that will never come. You will never be there when your son is going to graduate. You will miss him turning 18, becomind an adult finally. You will miss me graduating from college, you will miss my brother graduating from college. You will never walk me down the aisle, you will never be at my brother’s side when he finally marries. You will never see your grandchildren, never hold them in your arms. You will never eat Christmas Dinner with us. You will never joke around again, never play the trumpet. Your eyes will never see the sunrise again. So many things you will never see, do, live. It’s just not fair.